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Going Nice

Maybe I should change my tack
And stop writing this drivel
If I carry on like this
My brain might go and shrivel.
Instead I'm going to turn my back
On puerile poems and tales,
And only write about nice things
Like flowers and trees and whales.

Oh yes, I'm going to use my art
To help to save the planet.
And all that crap I did before,
I'm simply going to can it.
Right, OK, that's it, let's go,
You're reading the new me.
I'm going to use my powers for good,
Not evil. Yes, you'll see...

So, let us start with dolphins.
Well, they're nice. Just, look! They are!
So careful as you're driving now;
Don't hit one with a car.
Oh, cars are bad, oh yes, they are.
They give off air pollution.
So drive them where there is no air.
There, that's another solution.

And elephants, one moment please
while I just look them up...
Ah, yes, it says right here
That elephants are good.
So feed them lots of trees because
That's what they like to munch
Trees...? Just a sec, I thought I'd read
About them over lunch.

Oh no, it says that trees are good,
We mustn't chop them down.
That means to save them we must gun
All elephants to the ground.
Well that's a total contradiction,
Makes no sense to me.
I'm all confused now, lost and muddled,
Truly all at sea.

Maybe I should stick to what
I know I do so well,
Churning out a load of puerile
Poems that simply smell.
Doing good and getting into
Environmental stuff
Isn't quite my cup of tea.
It's actually rather tough.

Mike Stools (b. 1962)