Classical | Contemporary | Humour | Shite



Kate Rancid



Once upon a time upon a river in a boat
There lived a little hamster who was married to a stoat
Whose sister was a chaffinch and her daughter was a nun
And they all lived in the river boat and dined upon a bun.

The bun was filled with currants with a cherry on the top
They ate it up with relish and then washed it down with pop
The nun ate hers with reverence, the stoat ate his with greed
And the chaffinch got all wet because the hamster had just pee'd.

The piss just kept on coming, it was filling up the boat
It soaked the nun and chaffinch, and the hamster and the stoat.
The bun was soon inedible, they had to throw it out
"Oh what a nasty hamster!" The stoat began to shout.

The sea was getting choppy and the boat began to sink
They all began to panic, then they all began to think
'Oh bugger it,' they said as the boat was going under,
'We're a stupid idea for a poem anyway. What's that?' It was thunder.

The thunder and the lightning came and made the boat sink quick
And everyone was happy 'cos this poem was making them sick.
It was stupid to begin with and now it's even worse.
But just to piss you off I think I'll do another verse.

Suddenly the sun came up, the boat bobbed up once more.
'Ahoy there!' cried the hamster, 'I can see the shore!'
And so they all escaped and they are happy to this day.
Yes alright. I heard you. I'll shut up and go away.

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)