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Kate Rancid



A furry grey bear with a cute squashy head,
Slid quite unexpectedly into my bed,
And clung to my thigh with the strength of an ox,
And nibbled my knees and made holes in my socks.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

It wasn't a grizzly, it wasn't a koala,
It ran through my kitchen and into my parlour,
It ran round my bathroom and knocked off a towel,
And when I got angry it gave a big growl.
It told me its name was Amanda
It wasn't a panda.

I must admit I did not know what to do,
Had it escaped from a park or a zoo?
Or snook on a plane from the US of A?
Or come on a boat from a land far away?
It told me its name was Amanda
But it WASN'T a panda.

It ate all my biscuits and drank all my tea,
It chewed up my pillows - it terrorised me!
It *looked* cute, oh yes, but it wasn't - at least,
It looked friendly enough but it was a savage beast.
It told me its name was Amanda
But it wasn't a panda.

Sooner or later I knew it must go,
But it didn't seem keen when I told it so,
Its riddance for good I began to conive,
I would not have it stay here and eat me alive.
It told me its name was Amanda.
That's no name for a panda.

I thought and I thought 'til my brain was quite sore,
The bear had to go and of this I was sure,
I'd tried to persuade it, to coax it... I pleaded!
I feared a more violent approach might be needed.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

I picked up a gun and begun to take aim,
I shouted "Amanda! If that it your name...
Get out of my house! You can use the veranda!
I don't care if you are or you are not a panda!
I don't care if you're rich and you drive a big Roller,
Your coat is not white! You can NOT be a polar!
Your coat is quite grey like Nadia Sawahla,
But you don't look that much like a koala..."

The bear took advantage of my guard being down,
And leapt through the air with a mighty big bound,
And ate me up with a bite that was nasty,
With the speed I could eat a medium sized Cornish pasty.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

From the inside I took my trusty knife,
And dug it right in for the good of my life,
The bear dropped down dead but I could not escape!
Its mouth had been sealed by the vet's Sellotape.

So now I am trapped in the corpse of a bear,
It isn't so bad, but there isn't much air,
And people in shops tend to nudge, wink and stare,
But I don't care -
I just tell them my name is Amanda.
And that I'm not a panda.

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)