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Kate Rancid



A gaseous malodorous
Stinking savage fart
Was all that I could manage
When I spread my cheeks apart.

It wasn't brown or sloppy,
It wasn't thick or long.
Surreptitiously invisible,
But it didn't half pong.

I attempted urination;
I squeezed 'til I was sore.
But I couldn't coax my bladder,
I just parped foul gusts some more.

The queue outside the bathroom
Was quickly getting longer.
But I was fucked if I was leaving
'Til I'd dropped a log-like ponger.

I clenched my buttocks firmly
And pushed with all my might.
I growled and moaned and grunted,
But still I couldn't shite.

An hour passed - I gave up.
I didn't stand a chance.
I sadly left the bathroom
Where I promptly shat my pants.

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)