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We drove up to a likely spot
Turned on the interior light
It didn't take long for people to show
But they were a sorry sight

Several false limbs and a glass eye or two
And not one under seventythree
I guess that we should have expected it though
You can't hope for much when it's free

We weren't really sure how the etiquette went
Because we were new to all this
As we dithered about the crowd started booing
(I even heard one of them hiss)

Well, I weren't having that - so I whipped off my dress
And said I was up for suggestion
One of them said 'Could you put it back on?'
Which I thought was a rather rude question

I pushed back the seats and got into position
And dangled my legs through the door
I wriggled about and attempted to pout
While my partner just hid on the floor

But it was too late for embarrassment now
So I told him that he could go home
I figured that there must be one stud out there
But if not I would do it alone

I waited and waited but no-one obliged
So I sat up and asked for some aid
A voice from the back said 'I'm sorry my dear
We come to watch others get laid'

'We're old and we're knackered and just get our kicks
From watching the view from afar
And so far the only thing, we must confess,
That's good to the eye is your car'

It wasn't the night I'd expected
I'd thought it would be more exciting
Laying down there with my legs in the air
And none of them up for enticing

So I wound up the window, ignoring them all
Preferring to be by myself
More satisfying than pleasing a crowd
(Though maybe not good for your health)

So, done for the night, I shot out of there
I couldn't have drove any faster

"The play itself was a great success
But the audience was a disaster."

Naomi Onions (b. 1968)