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Kate Rancid

My Pet Frog What I Never Had Nor Never Will

My Pet Frog What I Never Had Nor Never Will

I never had a frog,
It makes me sad,
It makes me cry,
I don't know why,
I begged and pleaded,
No-one conceded,
It makes me whine,
It makes me pine,
A pet of green,
A pet of green,
Not black or blue,
I wanted you,
A life-long friend,
Love not to end,
Not like some bloke,
I heard you croak,
I went to outside,
To where you hide,
Looked high and low,
Not finding though,
The pet I seek,
So small and meek,
Big doughy eyes,
Always surprised,
Never cross,
Never the boss,
You'd never let me down,
Wipe off every frown,
I'd build you a land,
You'd understand,
A box with some slime,
If you could be mine,
A miniature pond,
Of you I'd be fond,
But I can't have a frog,
Only a dog,
'Cause you don't make good pets,
Can't take you to the vets,
Or out for a walk,
Or breed you for pork,
Or stroke your soft fur,
As you sit there and purr,
Oh no, friend, not you,
That's not stuff you would do,
You'd never allow me,
You'd beg to be set free,
Perhaps that is why,
I feel I might cry,
Without you, my frog,
My world is a fog,
So I'm going down,
To the pond in the town,
Gonna take me a jar,
Fling it out very far,
And sit under a tree,
Til you come looking for me,
With a flick of my wrist,
Powerless to resist,
I'll have you at last,
My joy will be vast,
Pop you in my pocket,
With your funny eye sockets,
Take you to my home,
Where we'll be alone,
I'll play my guitar,
Go for drives in my car,
Watch TV late at night,
Everything will be alright.
But it's just a pipe dream,
Things are not as they seem,
And you'll never be mine,
I have looked at the sign,
And the sign it ain't good,
Though it's crafted from wood,
And hangs down from a frame,
I forgot it's real name,
Like a metal thing which,
Signs hang on.

Oh my pet frog,
You will never exist,
Deep in the woods,
My true love you resist,
Mocking my heart,
You croak your weird song,
You and me, baby,
We won't ever belong.
It makes me sad, so blue,
I only want to be with you,
But it just cannot be,
You can't hang out with me,
You have friends of your own,
So I'll sit here alone,
And think about you,
Not much else to do,
A life meagre and lean,
I wish I was green.

Now I'm feeling less sad,
But the feeling is bad,
I'm embittered, enraged,
I wish you were caged,
I'm gonna go down,
To that pond near the town,
Gonna take me a gun,
Gonna shoot you for fun,
And your friends will die too,
'Cause they kept me from you,
See them float to the top,
But that won't make me stop,
I'll start on the worms,
Give them all perms,
Throw rocks at the birds,
Feed squirrels on turds,
Give badgers a kick,
Make pigeons feel sick,
And you! You! You see?
Wouldn't come home with me,
So I'm killing them all,
The big and the small,
Ha ha ha ha ha,
You won't get far.

I guess you could say,
I feel hopping mad today.

Part 2

... And I won't stop there,
No no! I don't care,
'Cause I'm eaten up inside,
You have taken my pride,
You have taken my heart,
Torn my poor soul apart,
Your cold-blooded indifference,
Holds for me no magnificence,
I only wanted a pet,
That was slimey and wet,
Only wanted a friend,
Upon whom I could depend,
Only wanted a mate,
To make better my fate,
Only wanted a froggy,
From a place dark and boggy,
But you wouldn't play ball,
Wouldn't love me at all,
My jar was ignored,
You even looked bored!
Now I'll get my revenge,
The whole world I'll avenge,
Gonna buy me a tank,
And I've got you to thank,
Gonna buy me a bomb,
Thanks to you and your pond,
Get grenades by the dozen,
Aim them all at your cousin,
Blow the whole world to pieces,
Kill your aunts and your neices,
The I'll eat all their souls,
Set fire to the tadpoles,
Yes it might all sound silly,
As you sit on your lily,
Eating flies as they pass,
But the next is your last,
You won't see tomorrow,
Only pain, only sorrow,
Gonna make you see,
What you did to me,
And it might seem depraved,
But it's you that I craved,
And I'll never know,
The smell of your toe,
No I'll never see,
That sweet smile, just for me,
And your strange evening song,
That goes on and on and on.
But never for me,
You will always be free,
At one with the water,
As you swim with your daughter,
And dance with your brother,
There can be no other.
You make me feel so small.
Like I'm nothing at all,
To you,
Tell you what I'll do,
I'll be straight,
Alright mate?
I'll teach you a lesson,
So please hear my confession.

Baby I was just pretending.
Maybe at some point this song will be ending.
Baby I don't even like frogs at all.
Maybe I like things less green and more tall.
Baby I don't need you.
Maybe I'm scared my cat would eat you.

So I'll stop this madness now I think,
There's plenty in my kitchen sink,
The hoovering needs doing too,
I don't have to think of you,
I'll go and do the weekly shopping,
Not dream of you so cutely hopping,
Because sometimes we have to learn,
No matter how much we yearn,
For something no-one else quite gets,
In my case, a frog to keep as a pet,
Something always comes along,
To fuck it up, make it all go wrong,
Life is cruel,
We eat gruel,
Then we die,
People sigh,
Wonder why,
But still they live,
To eat another pie.

Oh My Pet Frog,
What I never had nor never will,
You came along,
When I had too much time to kill,
And gave me your gun,
To kill it with, it was fun.
One day you'll return,
I have so much to learn,
About you,
Yes I do,
Yes I do,
Oh yes. I do.
You know it's true,
Everything I do,
I do it for you.

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)