Classical | Contemporary | Humour | Shite



Kate Rancid

Felching Mr. Atkinson

Felching Mr. Atkinson

I donned my nurse's uniform,
And marched along the halls,
My stethoscope shone brightly,
As I made my late-night calls,
I checked on all the patients,
On Ward 173,
And all were sleeping soundly,
It was quiet as can be.

I settled on a sofa,
In the staff room all alone,
As I sipped upon my coffee,
I did hear a frightful groan.
I quickly got my hat on,
And ran back to the ward,
And that's when Mr Atkinson
Did pull upon his cord.

"Nurse!" he shouted loudly,
"Nurse! I need you! Help!"
I ran, and reached his bedside,
Where he gave a sickly yelp.
"Oh help me nurse, I'm dying!
I'm so, so ill you see."
I took his pulse and temperature,
It all seemed fine to me.

I grabbed the little clip-board,
That hung beside his bed,
And gasped aloud in horror,
As this is what it said -

"This man is very poorly,
His arse is full of sores,
His bowels have got quite rotten,
He's had too many whores.
His shit is green and lumpy,
And stinks to kingdom come,
But his spincter is so swollen,
That it gets stuck in his bum."

I looked across in horror,
At the poor man in the bed,
His pleading eyes, so full of tears,
"Oh help me please," they said.
The man was 97,
Dying and insane,
I just wished that there was something,
I could do to ease his pain.

The man he clutched his arse-hole,
And did scream aloud in fear,
"Oh nurse! You have to help me,
You can't leave me dying here!"
I pondered on an enema,
But did not have a hose,
So I fell back on my training...
Stiff upper lip...
Here goes...

My lips around his anus,
I sucked with all my might,
Until my mouth and throat were full,
Of green diseased foul shite.
I felt it hit my stomach,
I wretched and felt quite sick,
But still I kept on sucking,
On his faeces, green and thick.

When all the shit was swallowed,
I plumped his pillows fat,
And he said he felt much better,
Now he'd finally gone and shat.
Although I felt quite queazy,
I smiled, I must confess.
Oh what a job we nurses do!
In England's NHS!

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)