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Kate Rancid

Best Man's Speech For Mike To Simon


Best Man's Speech For Mike To Simon

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys,
If I might have a moment without too much noise,
I have a few words I would quite like to share,
So please just shut up, and remain in your chair.
Now as you all know I am Simons best man,
Im not quite sure why, but Ill do what I can,
I can only assume that his friends are quite sparse,
Well, theres Ian I guess, but then hes just an arse.

So here we are gathered on this wondrous day,
Ive thought long and hard about what I should say,
But failing to come up with some words from my head,
I paid a crap web site to do it instead.
So here is my speech, and it shouldnt last long,
They charge by the word at poemfactory.com.
Im skint at the mo so Im keeping this swift
(As you can probably tell by my gift).

So Simon and Nicky are why we are here,
Eating posh food and enjoying free beer,
For never a couple have been quite so great,
Excuse me one moment while I just fill my plate.
The wedding was lovely, Im sure youll agree,
A marvellous day out, and all of it free,
And you all look divine, as I glance round the room,
Its just a shame that we cant tell the bride from the groom.

So let me now say a few words about Si,
Ive known him for years, hes a hell of a guy,
A real mans man, he is honest and strong,
Well, a hundred or so women just cant be wrong,
For that is how many this great man has laid,
(They might not be wrong, but they were probably paid).
But that has all changed, he is married at last,
And, at least for today, that is all in the past.

Hes left behind all of those mad days of youth,
Wine women and song Yeah, ok, now the truth:
Hes dumped all the porn mags from under his bed,
Sold his games console and bought curtains instead,
His Cardiacs C.D.s are all given away,
Or swapped for some Dido and some David Gray,
Hes taken down all of his pictures of Spock,
His new bride insisted, for the good of his health.

So that was my speech and its cost me a packet,
In just two quick ticks you can resume your racket,
And loudly enjoy what is left of the day,
As frankly I have nothing else left to say,
You might as well drink up or go on the pull,
Cause between me and you, the grooms really quite dull,
And before you can blink we will meet here once more,
At his wifes divorce bash, when shes dumped the sad bore.

Kate Rancid (b. 1973)