Stuff Today - Issue 7191

Saturday 04 April 2020

Day of Prayer for Church Leaders to stop mouthing pious platitudes about problems they don't understand.

Today's Minor Blasphemy: Bejazus

The Deeper Meaning Of Liff


To bounce cheerfully on a bed.

The Devil's Dictionary


The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- Musca maledicta. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to understand the important services that flies perform to literature it is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the duration of exposure.

Roger's Profanisaurus


To halt the laying of a cable halfway through. 'And after four days without movement Job took up his toilet and great was his relief. But even as he released his burden there came a voice and it was the Lord. And the Lord spake in a loud voice saying Come unto Me Job. And Job replied saying Oh God, what is it this time, for I have only just sat down. And great was the wrath of the Lord. And He commanded Job to split the winnings and come now unto Him. And great was Job's discomfort.' (from 'The Book of Job' Ch.6).

Astonishingly Uninteresting Fact

One bushel of wheat can make enough sandwiches that you could eat three sandwiches a day for over six months

Poem Of The Day

Love - Part One

Love is one thing I don't understand
Never wanted at first, it cannot be planned.
Ask for it now, and it fades far away
But if you don't want it, it comes anyway.
Whenever you know of the one that you need,
If you tell her yourself you will never succeed.
When you say to her face those words "I love you",
You feel at that time there's no more to do.
Then she says "Thanks, but I love another much more"
You don't know what to do and right through you are sore.
I have never had one who is caring for me.
There must be a reason but it's one I don't see.
If you know why I'm still on my own,
Then tell me, please, next time I am seen alone.

- Ian W Halliday (b. 1961)

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