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Stuff Today - Issue 6482

Thursday 26 April 2018

Open season for teenage German tourists begins (England & Wales)

Today's Canal: Panama

The Deeper Meaning Of Liff

DUNGENESS, n.

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.

The Devil's Dictionary

MUGWUMP, n.

In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

Roger's Profanisaurus

LOAD OF OLD SHOES FALLING OUT A LOFT, like a

Descriptive of a heavy bout of loose, lively diarrhoea. A flock of pigeons.

Astonishingly Uninteresting Fact

In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-in votes for Mr. Potato Head

Poem Of The Day

Can I Be Your Whore?

Hey, Big Boy, you're so lovely,
You're lovely as can be.
Oh, how I wish your loveliness
Could be transfered to me.
I wouldn't have to worry
About myself no more.
Oh, yes, you're so, so lovely,
Can I be your whore?

I'd spread my legs so widely,
I'd pant with all my might,
I'd scream and scratch and pummel,
I'd keep you up all night,
I'd lick the floor you stood on,
I'd set your balls on fire.
Oh, please let me pleasure you,
It is my one desire.

I can see 'no' is your answer.
You're happy with your wife
And she would not be happy.
She'd kill you with a knife,
And I'd get into trouble.
I would be dumped for sure,
But, you are just so lovely!
Why can't I be your whore?

I'd only charge a penny
To taste your luscious flesh.
I'd put on kinky fishnets
And a dress made out of mesh.
I'd paint my lips bright crimson
And tease you with a feather,
And then I'd beat you senseless
With a horsewhip made of leather.

Oh spanky spanky spanky!
Oh spanky spank we go!
Could someone pass a hanky?
My god, I love you so!
It's true you are so lovely,
You're lovely as can be!
If I can't be your whore then can I
Make you a nice cup of tea?

- Kate Rancid (b. 1973)

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